Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Just wanted to give a BIG shout-out!!!

I will just let it all out...
Last Saturday I joined Facebook.
I swore that I wouldn't, thought it was stupid, thought it was only useful to single people, didn't know if I wanted to find too many people from my past, etc, etc.
On Saturday morning I took the plunge. Why? Because my cousin left on his mission last week, and my aunt sent me an invite to view her Facebook page/stuff whatever. I figured if I want to be a good family member and stay up-to-date, supportive...sure. Why not? Not to mention, blogging has found many old friends and I have loved all those people I have found.

Well, I sit here at my computer, the morning of my 4th day into Facebook, here to record my findings and feelings...Oh! and faux pas...

So Saturday morning, stupid me, just set the thing up and started trying to find my way around. I became frustrated because I couldn't even find Mr. Smith and the only page I could see was my aunt's page, because she had invited me. Invited. There is a lot to be said for that word.

Personally, I'm not a good friend. Friend. Another word I'm not sure I understand. I'm not good at staying in touch and while I have the best of intentions...just not my thing. I'm not sure I have ever been good at correspondence. I really felt like "if I know you...especially if I've known you more than 3 months or so...sure we're great friends!"

I'm not thinking this Facebook thing will work for me. Invite, Friend, Ignore, Wall, Poke...what have you...(though the last word disturbs me)
Apparently, I set up my account, and 'logically'...when the question asked "send an invitation to people in your email?" I clicked yes. Obviously people in my email are people I know...dare say friend. But is that true?

So on day 2 I find out (from a younger, more 'experienced' Facebook friend) who you invite on Facebook means something. You should not invite just anyone and everyone. You can REMOVE friends from your Facebook account, and topics of conversations can be "guess who sent me an invite? can you believe that?" I assume if you remove a friend from your means you are not friends, have never been friends, and don't want to be friends in the future. Sounds simple...but then again, I'm pretty slow.
Day 3 I start to worry about who is in my contact list of my email account. I realize that I don't really know if EVERYONE in my email is necessarily my friend. Crap! I run through my email and see that...sure enough...some people I really don't know and don't ever know how I got their email. Ooops!
Do I really care? Not really. And on Day 2, when I got going...did I invite anyone and everyone I saw from Elementary school through High School, old neighborhoods and new? Yep. Do I comment on everyone's things?...if I feel the urge! I was being sucked in! And I was really loving it!
Are there really blog stalkers or do we all love to read peoples views and opinions on life whether we know them or not. Why do we feel we shouldn't comment if it's out there for the world to see.
I personally have never once wished that someone hadn't commented. I love comments! Good and bad...just don't be a sissy and leave your name...but say what you want. I feel that way and yet I read a person's blog and think "should I leave a comment? will it look like I'm stalking?" Well geeez! I totally am stalking if I'm wondering that. I think "what if that person doesn't want me to comment or thinks I'm a loser?" picked that one up in 6th or 7th grade. And then there's "I've commented on 'so-an-so's' blog a few times and they haven't commented that a hint that I shouldn't comment on their blog anymore?" Yet I wish I could comment on lots of peoples blogs and don't have a chance or can't get the time...or they went private and I forget to check because they don't pop up in my blog roll. I also see people I know and want to say 'Hi' or see what their up to and they are private. Does that mean the door is closed? are not wanted? do not have a 'golden ticket' and it's because I don't like you! Or...they don't want 'Chester the Molester' looking at their kids? Is it rude to ask in a comment "hey? I'd love to catch up with 'so-and-so', would you send her/him my info?" And then wait for the "whew!" of acceptance, or the gut-blow of denial!
I could go on and on...just petty and stupid things that I frankly have overcome after a year of blogging and have learned to love my hobby for how I feel when I write and adult interaction when I'm feeling crazy. But I'm not going to pretend I haven't asked myself those questions.

Anyways...(I'm really finding it hard to focus now) point is that I thought Facebook was pretty cool. It was kind of scary how many old connections I found, but I really thought it was brilliant to see how connected we are. As a culture, a religion, a school, an age group...and I thought it wouldn't have those stigma's blogging had. Well...I was wrong.

The bottom line:
1. I'm not a very private person...maybe I should think about becoming more.
2. I guess I consider most people I have met, my 'friend'...that is my definition of friend.
3. I don't belong to any certain social circles...I'm happy to socialize with anyone, anywhere.

and 4. After a couple hours of wandering through Facebook...I feel like I wasted away those couple of hours. I didn't learn anything from "Sally is picking her nose"...but after a couple hours of blogging?...I feel more productive. Granted! Both involve being sucked into too much time in front of my computer...but for ME, in MY current situation, that's my feeling. Facebook is fun...blogging is more heartfelt.

By the husband laughed at me as he had me go through my contact contact at the State license renewal office...the Realtor who sold our last contact for our server hosting company...many people who's names don't ring a bell, but have sent me an email and in my contacts. Because I'm careful (ha ha) and save the contact info for anyone who sends me a personal email. Why? Because 'just in case' I need to email you and can't find your email. And 'just in case'...of what?...JUST IN CASE I WANT TO INVITE YOU TO MY FACEBOOK PAGE!!!

Boy, am I friendly.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Welcome 2009

I have to begin by correcting my chest pain diagnosis. Subconsciously I must have needed to confess my obsession with Costco! I really do love that place. I just wish I could get out of there without spending a ridiculous amount of money..."Costochondritis" would be the correct word on my discharge papers.

It is hard to believe that 2009 is already upon us.

Overall 2008 was a really laid-back year. I felt like I 'settled in' over the year. I became more comfortable with myself and I wasn't looking for a big change. My testimony grew, and I learned more about what I believe...and why.
I have always had challenges in terms of contentment. For some reason, I have a hard time with stability. I don't like things to stay the same for a long period of time. I get an 'itch' for something big to turn my life upside down.
I've discovered that I am actually somewhat afraid of happiness. I am afraid to let myself accept it, because I don't believe it will last. If I don't accept happiness, then I won't be devastated when it doesn't last. It stems from instability and a lack of happiness in my childhood, but unfortunately...I cannot kick the feeling that something bad is always awaiting me.
I never thought I would live to see 30. I know it sounds really morbid, and Mr. Smith hates it when I talk about it. I just could never see myself living that long. Quite frankly, I was surprised to live through my 2o's. I know it's weird, but I was a bit relieved to know my sister felt the same way.
So in this year I turn 30, I am preparing to live until I'm old and gray. Accepting that I won't die young after all... I get to enter my 'mid years' knowing a bit more about who I am, and becoming comfortable with that.
It is not a secret that I am not happy about turning 30. My sister tried to comfort me by stating the "30 is the new 20". Which is true. But it is true because women are spending more time and effort on themselves, having 'procedures', and waiting to have families until later. If you have your first child at 40...30 really can be 20. Since I had four kids shortly after turning 26... that puts me somewhere in my late 40's. (At least I feel that way sometimes)
I'm sure 30 won't feel much different than 28 or 29, but it just stings a bit. I remember how much I looked forward to turning 16. I thought my entire world was going to change. It was such a disappointment when 16 turned out to be an awful lot like 15. I was stood up on the first three dates I was asked on...and, well...driving a big white van was not very cool.

For New Years Eve, our good friends were here from Kansas. We stayed up late playing games and talking. We started talking about weight loss, and a bet was put into place. Since my friend is pregnant, she will not the players include: an athletic, former BYU football player strong, 6'7" athletic hubby...and myself. Being the ultra-competitive person I am, I think I can beat them both. Even if men can looses weight easier than women...I am way too competitive to lose to two guys. Since the loss will be based on percentages, I have a chance. I've started my 'hibernation transformation' and have lost 40 lbs. I even did well through Christmas.
Of course, as soon as we set up the challenge, I indulged on some of the things I knew I wouldn't let myself have for a while. We weighed in the Monday after New Year's and the end date will be sometime towards the end of May or beginning of June.
The winner gets to chose a vacation destination for both couples. We can include kids if we choose. I really do have to win this, because Mr. Smith has already said if he wins....we are "going to Santaquin to watch a movie."
I would love for both of our families to go to Disneyland with our girls. Our friends have 3 girls just around the same ages as our girls. (and hopefully another girl on the way) It would be so fun to have all those girls together at Disneyland.
For me, a vacation which includes the beach is the best!
I will be working my tail if you see me at Krispy Kreme, feel free to physically remove me from the premises.

I am trying to have a more positive outlook on the weather...but the weather is not cooperating. I can only take so much! I love water sports in the summer, and I want the lakes to be full...but could we get some rain in March? I mean COME ON!!!
I like to blame my laziness on the snow. I think this weather makes me sluggish and slow. I have, however, had the opportunity to clean out my basement. YEAH! There will be one heck-of-a garage sale in the spring. My basement was the dark abyss, my deep dark secret I feel I've been hiding for the last two years. When we moved in, anything that didn't have an immediate place went in the basement. As time went on, it was where things went if I needed to quickly get things cleaned up. It grew and grew and grew. I knew that someday I would have to face it...and that day came.
It's embarrassing to admit how bad it was REAL bad. Now it's done, and I feel so good about it. I don't even have to see it...I just know it's done. It feels so good!
Hopefully it's not a sign of things to come this year, but I didn't get Christmas put away until January 6th. That's super late for me.
I took Oprah's challenge to "clean up that messy house" and it seems to be going pretty well. Each month I get emailed a new project. It's so much more manageable than trying to tackle the entire house at once. Last month was 'living spaces', which was cake...not an area I have problems with. This month is 'bedrooms'. My kids rooms are OK, but mine is a different story.
Last year I decorated my sisters Master Bedroom. It was tons of fun, and made me really dislike my own room's situation. Supposedly, your bedroom should be your 'relaxing space'. A place to unwind and feel calm. "A personal sanctuary"...ha! My bedroom is the place nobody sees...and I don't mind my own messes. It's the place I throw all the crap from the front room when last minute guests arrive. I'm lucky to see the carpet...and I'm afraid to get up in the night to use the bathroom, for fear I might trip and break my arm or leg.
I sat the girls down to explain the plan this month...I want them to re-organize their rooms for themselves. I told them that I would do the same. Smarty's eyes got huge! She said "That means you're going to have to CLEAN YOUR ROOM?!?" I shamefully nodded yes. "And KEEP it clean?!?" Yes again. It was sad to hear such shock in her voice. I told her that I can't expect them to keep a clean room if I can't.
What have I gotten myself into?!

Happy 2009!