Monday, May 25, 2009

Fallen off...

I can officially say that I’ve fallen off my “weight loss” wagon. I hit a plateau back in Feb, and as June approaches… I’m starting to get frustrated. Okay, I am absolutely frustrated and there are levels of my frustration...and I’ve hit the bottom! ‘Frustrated’ just sounds better.
I already did the “I’m frustrated… but I know I can do it!” (Feb)
Then the “I’m frustrated, and I think I’ll try something new” (March)
To the “I’m frustrated… nothing seems to be working” (April)
And I’m afraid I’m at the “I’m frustrated… on the edge of giving up” (May)
If I can’t pull it together… June will not be pretty!

I know that going on a vacation makes it 10 times harder. The first couple days of my trip I felt good, like I was in control. By the last day I found myself eating anything I possibly could, because I knew when I got home, I would have to get back on track.
So when I got on the scale after I came home, I knew I would not be happy. Let’s just say… I WAS SHOCKED! I expected a few pounds. I feel like I work so hard for every single ounce, and a few pounds would be hard. Well… I gained 12 pounds! That’s right… 12 pounds in 10 days. Who does that?! Especially after working SO DANG HARD and losing 75 pounds!
I can say that on one hand I know I deserve it… I made a decision every time I put something in my mouth. On the other hand, I get so mad that my body holds on to weight like that! It’s not fair, I ate things that were unhealthy. I also swam, walked, hiked, and was quite busy. Why is it so hard for me?!

I was already having a hard time with my last 15 pounds. Trying anything to kick it up a notch… but I’m ready to throw in the towel. I know it’s worth it, I know I want it. I just don’t know if I can do it!
I lost the first good bit of weight without exercising. In fact, I found that exercising had adverse affects on my body. When I stopped exercising and just focused on my eating, the weight started coming off. Well, 40 pounds later, I hit a wall. I knew that exercising would give me the boost I needed to keep losing. Ten pounds later, I’ve not just hit the wall… I’m banging my head against it over and over and over and over…

I ran a 5k earlier this month… nothing...not a pound. I was dehydrated the next morning, but as soon as I had a full days worth of water, I broke even. I feel a bit vain complaining about the last 15 pounds (well, now the last 27 pounds…argh!) I know that last summer I would have died to be where I am now. I just feel like I’ve worked so hard, and come so close, I need to get there. It’s like running a race and stopping short. I can see the finish line… I just can’t seem to get there.

I need to recommit! I need to somehow get back the passion and desire. I’ve got to push through this. Even with the 12 pound set-back… I’ve just got to find a way to get back!

I think I’ll pay a visit to myself. I think I need to remember how it felt last summer, to have 50 more pounds to carry around. Or the 75 pounds I had to carry three years ago! I need to remember how I got here, WHY I got here. I can’t take it for granted, I have to love myself more than that.

I know it’s sad… and I’m not blaming anyone else but myself… however, I know that the stress and emotional turmoil over the past few months has played a role. It’s why I didn’t have the strength to lose it before, and the reason I gained it in the first place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. If I’ll ever find that balance. I need to learn how to take the bumps in the road without having to pull over and stop the car... or the wagon! I hit a bump and pull over my wagon... then I jump out of the wagon and start running in back to where I came from. WHY?! I’ve got to get back in that stinkin' wagon and get back on that stinkin’ road!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Perspective doesn't get much fresher

I had the opportunity to have a 'get-away' with Mr. Smith over the past couple weeks. We had a great time, and I feel that we have been fortunate to have loved one's close and willing to watch our kids. Our time alone together is very precious to me, and we always have a great time being 'husband and wife' together and taking a break from the 'dad and mom' roles which tend to get me a bit frazzled from time-to-time... okay...most of the time.
This trip did not disappoint, and I came home feeling rested and rejuvenated. Despite some hiccups on our last day, it couldn't have been better.
I must say... taking me out of my little box here really helps me look at my life differently. When I get stressed, or in the middle of drama, or whatever it may be I'm dealing with... stepping back and looking at the bigger picture is the best thing for me.
I was surprised at how quickly I forgot the issues of my neighborhood, drama at church, hurt feelings with family, decisions with my kids and anything else on my mind. We have been fortunate to travel and visit other cultures and countries. It have put into perspective for me, just how good I have things. How blessed I am to have been born in the United States, and how even greater a blessing to be born into a situation of learning the gospel. Even on my worst my worst situation... in the middle of my worst issue... I have it so good! I wish I could remember that more often. I'm not thankful enough for what I have been given, and I feel a responsibility to use what I have been blessed with to benefit and bless others who are not as fortunate.
Mr. Smith and I had a fantastic time and made good memories. It's good to remember why we like each other so much... and good to remember while spending 24/7 together is fun, our individual roles in our day-to-day lives is what makes us happy too! I can say that while we love each other dearly, we would drive each other a bit crazy if we were always together like that! We are both used to being 'in control' of our situations, and we are both 'managers' of our schedule, and most people around us. It's wonderful to have time together, but I am happy we are happy as individuals... I think it makes us happier together. (and happier to come back to real life)
With all that said... I do envy the slower pace of other cultures. The acceptance, happiness, and contentment they seem to have found. We visited some beautiful tropical islands... and I know they have their struggles in life, but they are different struggles than most American's have.
When I got home yesterday, I found out that there had been some really major events at church. Some serious drama and displays of anger. Things said that make ME look like an angel, and make my situation feel like a drop in the bucket.
I have to admit that in such a selfish way, I was glad to here that first of all... other people are confrontational, much more than I have been... and second... I'm not the only person who has a hard time in this particular ward.
I know that's selfish, I do feel bad for the people involved, and hurt feelings. But Mr. Smith and I were talking about the events we missed, and I said "It's sad that so many people are suffering because of this ward"
I'm not saying it's entirely to blame on the ward... but it is strange to me that many people I know have 'come to blows' over callings and leadership, and many have either stopped coming to church or expressed their opinions of how hard it is to live in this particular area. I know quite a few who have decided not to go to church because of hurt feelings... and I can say I can relate all too well.
I almost forgot about recent events while I was away, and it gave me time to step away and look at things differently. Moving forward, with my testimony stronger... disconnecting the members of the church from the gospel of the church. And yet sadly not forgetting that not only others close to me are struggling, but others far away who have much much greater struggles to worry about.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Out with the old...and in with the new!

Today I felt motivated to pack up all the kids' winter clothes, and bring out all the summer clothes. I know that every year, never fail, as soon as I do this it snows again. At this point... I don't really care. The fact that I actually brought the bins upstairs and had the DESIRE is a miracle! I'm ready for brighter days!

I have to admit, I'm not sure why, but I have had absolutely no motivation to do my housework. I'm not talking a day or two off... I think that since January, I have not been able to get anything done!
I hate admitting this... but today was the first day I have washed and folded laundry in a long time. Meaning, every piece of clean laundry is folded and put away! Not in a pile somewhere.
My clean laundry comes out of the dryer and sits on the couch. I always tell myself I will fold it in a minute, as soon as I do "this" or "that". A week later... I still find myself moving it from the couch to the bed when company comes. Then moving it back out to the couch before I go to bed. Seriously! In the effort it takes to transfer it as many times as I do... I could fold it and put it away three times!
I've never been the best at keeping everything clean, I can think of maybe a few days a year when every room is clean (and it's not even EVERY room, just the ones we use daily), when I actually feel "on top" of all the chores. And every time I have one of those moments...they are few and far between... I tell myself "I will keep it like this every day!" I decide that maintaining the cleanliness will be easy. And a week later you would never guess it had ever been clean.
Now I'm not saying that it's "dirty" but messy! Cluttered, stacks of mail and papers, dishes in the sink (if I've moved them off the table already), crumbs on the floor, toys in places they shouldn't be, and the dreaded laundry on the couch!
Mr. Smith is so patient. He has never some home from work and said anything negative. He has never had 'expectations' . (I guess maybe if he did, he forgot them a long time ago!) It's just recently that I've noticed... that when Mr. Smith gets home, I have not done much housework. I don't have dinner ready either. Not that I would ever have things that 'put together', but at least if the house wasn't clean I could have dinner... or vise versa.
Mr. Smith has 'lightened my load' by doing the dishes. Some days... I look around and think that it's the only thing that's ever done. He'll come home and either help make dinner... or even make it himself if I have to go somewhere. WHAT"S MY PROBLEM???
I'm an all or nothing person. So when I clean... I CLEAN! Like today, I finally put away the laundry. So I decide to swap out all the seasonal clothing. I just don't know why I can't put a quarter of that effort into everyday. I can't figure it out. I've made myself cleaning schedules, given myself New Years resolutions, simplifyed and throw away things I don't need or use, and I've tried diet Dr. Pepper in the mornings... it's not working. (But the DP sure takes the edge off)
So I ask myself, if I can't get anything done... what am I spending my time on? I don't even know. Sometimes is kid stuff, phone calls, emails, things for my calling, volunteering, and other things I just like to do. The fact is... house work is just not something I like to do. In fact, I hate it. Therefore, I have a hard time pritoritizing. It's hard to put something I dread at the top of my list. I will do ANYTHING else that needs to be done before I do housework.

I spring cleaned half of my house and... stopped. Half. I guess half is better than none, but COME ON! We got our carpets cleaned... it was great... two days later Sassy Pants decided she doesn't want to be potty trained anymore! I looked at my newly cleaned carpet and thought "what's the point?" She has continued to have accidents on everything from my carpets, to my hardwood floors, to two different comforters. She even peed on her backpack. It 's like "Hmmm. What's the hardest thing to clean?...I think I'll pee on THAT!" She even had an accident at school. Honestly! So I guess that's what I spend my day doing... just the day-to-day crap. The stuff that's NOT on my list of things to do. The things I have to take care of at that moment... and the regular housework becomes the least of my concerns. Blah!

I'm hoping that today will be the 'kick in the pants' I've needed. Just to feel how good it feels to get so much done. It really feels good. Maybe if I do it again tomorrow while I still remember this feeling, I can keep it going. I can hope!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Fantastic fulfilling feelings

I ran a 5K this morning!
It was raining..actually it was pouring. It was WAY too early in the morning for me to be walking, let alone running. Yet, it was one of the best mornings I've ever had.

My sister and I started running last year. We signed up for a couple 5k's in the fall, and we loved the accomplishment. A goal to work towards, great exercise, and time to visit together.
We run/walked and improved our time each. It was great!
We talked on the phone yesterday. We were both expressing how we would love to just run the entire thing. Regardless of our time... just push through it and keep running. It's mental barriers for me, jumping those mental hurdles are the most difficult for me to do. We both agreed that accomplishing that would be a good goal this year.
This morning I decided that I wouldn't expect anything from myself. I hadn't trained like I should have, and I thought "well... we'll just do it! and it will give us a good place to start" I thought we would have a good mark to try and beat next time.
As we got past the first half mile I felt really good. I didn't want to set myself up for failure. Then my sister said "I feel good! I feel like I could run the whole thing!" I agreed and said "Let's try it!"
3.2 miles later...we crossed the finish line having ran the whole time. Awesome! It felt so great!
I'm so glad I could share that with my sister. She is such a great example to me, and I feel so lucky to have her as a friend. She inspires me to be a better person, a better mom, wife and a better friend.
I just need to remember that I can do it! Believing in myself, loving myself, and not setting myself up to fail. I will never be a runner, it won't ever be easy for me... but it has taught me a lot about myself. Running is out of my box, and pushes my limits...and I'm grateful for that!