Living in the Milky Way

Life is like a box of chocolates... right?

I feel like I am constantly working on being less judgmental. Of others. Of myself.

I had pretty much made my mind up on what I thought of Miss MaGoo's teacher. Our first encounter wasn't the most positive experience... most likely for both of us.
Miss MaGoo shed some tears in the first few weeks of school. She was, well... quite intimidated and frankly scared of her teacher. This teacher is what I would call a 'barker'. In my opinion, that in-and-of-itself is not a bad thing. I think of myself as a 'barker'... meaning I tend to bark at my kids. I'm not a 'sweet talker' and I don't sugar-coat anything for anyone.
Miss MaGoo and I had some long talks about different forms of discipline, threats, and fear. Her 'ah-ha moment' was when she realized that going to the Principal's office wouldn't kill her... and then I said "Ya know what the absolute WORST thing they could do to you is?" Her eyes got real big and in a whisper-type voice she asked..."what?" I got close to her face and said "They will... CALL ME!" She giggled and smiled at me. Then she laughed "Well that's not scary!"... EXACTLY!
This teacher has been good for Miss MaGoo, and she needs to learn how to handle the different types of personalities of people she'll come across in life.

So when I went in for Parent/Teacher Conference, I thought I had this teacher nailed. She's very strict, blunt, and rules with fear. She's not the most tolerant or the most patient. When she started to compliment Miss MaGoo I was taken back a bit. Miss MaGoo is a sweetheart, no doubt about that! She is very kind and always thoughtful of others feelings. She's not in any way aggressive or brash. And while she cut our visit very short, she explained how disrespectful she thought it was to make people wait. She technically had 12 minutes with each parent, but said that she can't take more than 10. (5 with me... even though nobody was waiting)
I guess that I wasn't expecting this particular teacher to credit or notice the good in my daughter. Being as critical as she is, I had pegged her wrong.
My eyes were opened even wider when I spent the next day helping in the classroom.
While I sat in the back of the room renewing my fine motor skills (cutting and coloring) I listened to a rowdy and somewhat distracting bunch of kiddo's. Many thoughts ran through my head...

...how long it had been since I used scissors to cut out shapes... and how I was struggling

...how I had judged this teacher without knowing her day-to-day obstacles

She came back and visited with me few times. One of the times letting me know how much better she's been feeling lately. She has a blood disorder that makes her extremely irritable and gives her anger issues. "Uh... Okay." was all that came out of my mind, and mouth for the moment. (It was going to take me minute to process.) She said it just like that! She went on to inform me that on Labor Day weekend her husband told her she was too ornery and needed treatment. (which she does every 3 months or so) It made me laugh and my sarcastic comment was "That's always nice coming from your husband... even if it's true."
This woman shared only a small part of herself with me... but it was enough to teach me a good lesson.
We are not so different from one another.
My husband has to tell me when I'm headed downhill. Heaven knows it's not always received well, but I'm grateful he tells me.
Even knowing one or two of her struggles makes me realize that under her hard shell, she cares and loves... and really does her job well.
I don't know her personal battles, what she goes home to, what she has gone through in life, what she hopes and dreams about, or what she fears in life. I don't know what gave her a hard outer shell, but I know what gave me mine... and I don't think anyone wants to build up those walls. But I do know that she's a wife, a mother, a teacher, a woman, a daughter of God. After spending time her classroom, I know she loves what she does. I may not agree with everything she does, or how she does it... but who knows? Maybe she'll end up being one of my favorite teachers ever? One thing I do know...I'll always remember her as the teacher who taught me to give the benefit of the doubt.


Miss MaGoo is...well... goo. There's no shell around her softness. So as her and I encounter different teachers... some with nuts, some without. Some too sweet for my liking, some that annoy me and stick to my teeth. Dark chocolate, white chocolate... regardless. Under those hard shells is a soft nougat-type center. Remember the nougat.

Know a good Mechanic?

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
-Anais Nin

This time of year is always hard for me. Aside from the changing season is another underlying problem. I'm not even sure what it really is or where it came from. I know this post will get a little dark, but writing is a good outlet for me. Battling bipolar disorder is not an easy fight to win. It may be disturbing to people, but voices and demons like to live in my head... it's just the way my brain works. The only way to try and explain it is that my brain likes to run at a very high speed. When it's firing on all pistols, there's not room for the bad things. But when my mind slows down... things creep in. As if I somehow picked up unwanted passengers in my backseat. I just have to find a stopping place to drop them off.

Depression is a funny battle. I think that often times I look for a reason of why I might be depressed... and there just isn't one. My cycles aren't super manic anymore... but they go something like this...

First I find myself being less productive. I socially distance myself from people. I start to become more negative and cynical about life. I then find myself being bothered easier, little things drive me crazy... and I don't have the patience to deal with certain things... or certain people who require more maintenance. Internally I start a battle... but outwardly I'm just sluggish. Pretty soon realize that I'm extra tired, and I have a harder time getting out of bed in the morning.

So this is my 'rut'. The funny thing is that sometimes I can get myself out of it pretty quickly, and other times... I can't. Sometimes I can trace it back to an event or experience, and sometimes... I can't. Sometimes I can explain it all, and sometimes... I can't.

It's frustrating because I feel like I really don't have any reason to be depressed. There isn't anything going on in my life to get me down. My kids are doing well, my husband has a job, we can pay the bills, nobody is ill... life is good. I know people who have every right to be depressed, and yet they are positive and moving forward. It feels as if my 'pedal's to the metal' but I can't seem to get over 25 miles per hour.




















My level of functioning goes way down. I can only handle one or maybe two things at a time, instead of the normal ten or more things Mom's juggle at once. I've slowly been letting go of things. My housework... making dinner... working (only once a week)... blogging... and many more little things.

I used to get so bad I would let go of showering and eating. Then the car completely stops. Those days don't happen anymore! I can usually recognize the slowing and push myself to 'pick up the pace'! Like a Flintstones car... even if I'm push with my feet... I've got to keep moving! Thanks to modern technology, and fantastic doctors, my 'rut' doesn't get too scary. When things get darker, I'll look back and remember when life used to get really, really dark. Then I don't feel too bad.

But the issue remains... how do I get out?

There are many things I do to try and push myself. I'll exersice...or make myself a daily schedule to organize my life. I'll start a new project. Clean my house. Cook or bake something. Re-arrange all my furniture. Read the scriptures or Ensign articles. Spend too much money on new shoes or something in my house to look at. (Spending money is a type of drug... but that's a whole other issue!) I've tried all of these... and nothing has given my the 'jump start' I need.

























Ironically... I ran out of gas yesterday... literally, I ran out of gas in my car. I'm in charge of driving the carpool this week and I couldn't get the kids to school. Sadly, it made me think about being smarter about keeping my tank full. And mentally trying to keep my tank full.

Today is a good day. I love to see the sunshine and even if the air is cold... the sun is shining. I would love to say that today I will conquer the world and get a lot done. But I'll take it one hour at a time...

...try and stay off the couch and away from my warm cozy bed...
...drink some serious caffeine and remember my medications...
...keep my mind on the thinks I am grateful for...
...smile at my children...

...and I'll do better than I did yesterday.

Eskimo kisses!

We had the opportunity to go to Alaska with my Papa-Bear and grandest-mah.
Smarty and Miss Magoo knew about the trip, but thought they were staying with a friend. Mr. Smith and I go on a trip every 10-12 months together, without the kiddos. We took a trip back in April, and so I thought the girls would be bothered. They never even thought it was possible that they might be going with us.
It wasn't until we were 10 miles from the next State that Smarty finally wanted an explanation. When we broke the news they were ecstatic! The looks on their faces were priceless! I was so excited for them to have these memories with us!

Papa-bear is diabetic, and his health is getting worse and worse. He doesn't do well traveling, so nobody, including himself, knew how the trip would go.
We drove to Seattle, WA. We stopped every 45 minutes for breaks. It took us two 10-12 hour days of driving. We started with a fabric car top carrier... argh! It flapped so loudly we were yelling to each other in the car. It wore our nerves down very quickly. The second day we got a hard case for the car. AMAZING! It was so quiet it felt strange.
Mr. Smith had to arrange the luggage and wheelchair in a very special way to fit us all. It was like a game of Tetris. Everything had to stack together just right... there was no room for error.

Interesting fact... you cannot pump your own gas in Oregon. It's illegal. I never knew that.

Seattle was beautiful! Very green and very busy. I LOVE busy cities, and this was one of my favorites. Our hotel in Seattle was amazing, with spectacular views of the ocean and the Space Needle.
We got on the ship... well there's more to it than that. We boarded the ship five minutes after the final boarding time! The luggage carrier caused parking issues, and we had a horrible taxi driver who was determined that we wouldn't make it.
After getting on the ship, I let it sink in that we almost didn't make it. That's how I am... I never panic in the moment... it's after the fact, then I let myself freak out!
Papa-bear and Grandest-mah had never been on a cruise. Since we have been on many (too many) we somehow became the official cruise 'customer service reps'. I felt bad not knowing the in's and out's... but this was a different trip. We had only been to tropical destinations. Mr. Smith and I have the Caribbean down to a science... Eastern, Western, Southern... all the erns! But Alaska? Canada? I struggle calling it a vacation if I'm not in my bathing suit everyday getting tan!
It was more beautiful than I could have imagined! It could not have been better! Apparently, there was rain before we came, and rain after we left... but every port was gorgeous.
We had free hot cocoa, and lived in our hoodies. They girls loved the 'kids club', and met friends from all over the US and elsewhere.
The food was excellent, the service fantastic, and the scenery was spectacular. We saw glaciers, went whale watching, and visited a native Saxman Tlinget village... Smarty and I even wore traditional clothing and participated in a ceremonial dance. We saw a logging show, and took a train ride through the Yukon Territory up White Summit Pass. We went on a carriage ride around Victoria, Canada.
But most important... Papa-bear and Grandest-mah had the time of their lives! Mr. Smith helped Papa-bear, and was able to push him everywhere in a wheelchair. The girls were so excited and thankful for everyday. We were able to make memories that will last throughout our lives, and become closer as a family.
My grandparents helped salvage what little 'normal' childhood I had. Any happy memories before the age of 18, are thanks to the summers and Christmas' I had in California. I feel so blessed to have shared this trip with them. I hate to think that someday I will lose them. Papa-bear is the closest thing I've had to a Dad in my life. Grandest-mah is the all-time example of what a Grandma should be. As I have gotten older, I appreciate what wonderful people they are, and the friendship I have with them. I am so glad we were able to make this dream happen for them. They never thought they would be able to go on this trip... Grandest-mah said that she "thought a trip like that had passed them by" But I guess that life is really what you make out of it. The places were great, the sights were beautiful, but the experience was unforgettable!