Welcome 2009

I have to begin by correcting my chest pain diagnosis. Subconsciously I must have needed to confess my obsession with Costco! I really do love that place. I just wish I could get out of there without spending a ridiculous amount of money..."Costochondritis" would be the correct word on my discharge papers.

It is hard to believe that 2009 is already upon us.

Overall 2008 was a really laid-back year. I felt like I 'settled in' over the year. I became more comfortable with myself and I wasn't looking for a big change. My testimony grew, and I learned more about what I believe...and why.
I have always had challenges in terms of contentment. For some reason, I have a hard time with stability. I don't like things to stay the same for a long period of time. I get an 'itch' for something big to turn my life upside down.
I've discovered that I am actually somewhat afraid of happiness. I am afraid to let myself accept it, because I don't believe it will last. If I don't accept happiness, then I won't be devastated when it doesn't last. It stems from instability and a lack of happiness in my childhood, but unfortunately...I cannot kick the feeling that something bad is always awaiting me.
I never thought I would live to see 30. I know it sounds really morbid, and Mr. Smith hates it when I talk about it. I just could never see myself living that long. Quite frankly, I was surprised to live through my 2o's. I know it's weird, but I was a bit relieved to know my sister felt the same way.
So in this year I turn 30, I am preparing to live until I'm old and gray. Accepting that I won't die young after all... I get to enter my 'mid years' knowing a bit more about who I am, and becoming comfortable with that.
It is not a secret that I am not happy about turning 30. My sister tried to comfort me by stating the "30 is the new 20". Which is true. But it is true because women are spending more time and effort on themselves, having 'procedures', and waiting to have families until later. If you have your first child at 40...30 really can be 20. Since I had four kids shortly after turning 26... that puts me somewhere in my late 40's. (At least I feel that way sometimes)
I'm sure 30 won't feel much different than 28 or 29, but it just stings a bit. I remember how much I looked forward to turning 16. I thought my entire world was going to change. It was such a disappointment when 16 turned out to be an awful lot like 15. I was stood up on the first three dates I was asked on...and, well...driving a big white van was not very cool.

For New Years Eve, our good friends were here from Kansas. We stayed up late playing games and talking. We started talking about weight loss, and a bet was put into place. Since my friend is pregnant, she will not participate...so the players include: an athletic, former BYU football player ...my strong, 6'7" athletic hubby...and myself. Being the ultra-competitive person I am, I think I can beat them both. Even if men can looses weight easier than women...I am way too competitive to lose to two guys. Since the loss will be based on percentages, I have a chance. I've started my 'hibernation transformation' and have lost 40 lbs. I even did well through Christmas.
Of course, as soon as we set up the challenge, I indulged on some of the things I knew I wouldn't let myself have for a while. We weighed in the Monday after New Year's and the end date will be sometime towards the end of May or beginning of June.
The winner gets to chose a vacation destination for both couples. We can include kids if we choose. I really do have to win this, because Mr. Smith has already said if he wins....we are "going to Santaquin to watch a movie."
I would love for both of our families to go to Disneyland with our girls. Our friends have 3 girls just around the same ages as our girls. (and hopefully another girl on the way) It would be so fun to have all those girls together at Disneyland.
For me, a vacation which includes the beach is the best!
I will be working my tail off...literally...so if you see me at Krispy Kreme, feel free to physically remove me from the premises.

I am trying to have a more positive outlook on the weather...but the weather is not cooperating. I can only take so much! I love water sports in the summer, and I want the lakes to be full...but could we get some rain in March? I mean COME ON!!!
I like to blame my laziness on the snow. I think this weather makes me sluggish and slow. I have, however, had the opportunity to clean out my basement. YEAH! There will be one heck-of-a garage sale in the spring. My basement was the dark abyss, my deep dark secret I feel I've been hiding for the last two years. When we moved in, anything that didn't have an immediate place went in the basement. As time went on, it was where things went if I needed to quickly get things cleaned up. It grew and grew and grew. I knew that someday I would have to face it...and that day came.
It's embarrassing to admit how bad it was...it was REAL bad. Now it's done, and I feel so good about it. I don't even have to see it...I just know it's done. It feels so good!
Hopefully it's not a sign of things to come this year, but I didn't get Christmas put away until January 6th. That's super late for me.
I took Oprah's challenge to "clean up that messy house" and it seems to be going pretty well. Each month I get emailed a new project. It's so much more manageable than trying to tackle the entire house at once. Last month was 'living spaces', which was cake...not an area I have problems with. This month is 'bedrooms'. My kids rooms are OK, but mine is a different story.
Last year I decorated my sisters Master Bedroom. It was tons of fun, and made me really dislike my own room's situation. Supposedly, your bedroom should be your 'relaxing space'. A place to unwind and feel calm. "A personal sanctuary"...ha! My bedroom is the place nobody sees...and I don't mind my own messes. It's the place I throw all the crap from the front room when last minute guests arrive. I'm lucky to see the carpet...and I'm afraid to get up in the night to use the bathroom, for fear I might trip and break my arm or leg.
I sat the girls down to explain the plan this month...I want them to re-organize their rooms for themselves. I told them that I would do the same. Smarty's eyes got huge! She said "That means you're going to have to CLEAN YOUR ROOM?!?" I shamefully nodded yes. "And KEEP it clean?!?" Yes again. It was sad to hear such shock in her voice. I told her that I can't expect them to keep a clean room if I can't.
What have I gotten myself into?!

Happy 2009!