What a week!

Do you ever have days/weeks when you feel like your entire word is unraveling? Is it only a coincidence that my birthday happened to fall in this week? I can swear that turning 30 has nothing to do with any of my emotions… but I’m starting to wonder what my problem is.

I’m sure a lot of it is paranoia, I know it’s my own insecurities, but I’ve hit the wall. I feel like I need to evaluate every aspect of my life… personal, home, family, church, work, neighborhood, friends… you name it! I’m trying really hard not to let this get out-of-control… but I’m not doing a very good job.

Personal… I feel like I’m mentally incapable of handling my life. I even went to the doctor this week to see if something was wrong. He did blood work, and will call me with results Monday. I’m expecting the following message “Mrs. Smith, you are perfectly healthy, you just need to pull your head out!” Is there a prescription for that? It thought he might notice my birthday and say “Yep! That’s it! You are one day into being 30 and your body is completely falling apart! And even better? It’s only going to get worse!”

Home… as I stated a few posts back, I just can’t get it together! It’s a lack of energy, a lack of desire, a lack of… I’m not sure, but a lot is lacking. My house is messy, and I’m kind of past the point of caring! Only I do care, but I can’t seem to do much about it. I have unfinished (and un-started) projects. I used to LOVE to do big projects!

Family… ahhhhhh. Where to begin? Drama is a good word, but it seems so much more than that! I seem to have conversation after conversation of the same stuff, just rehashed. I feel like I should lock myself in a closet until everyone forgets I exist. Why can’t I just take the family members I want, and forget the others are related to me? I know that sounds horrible, because I AM horrible! I truly have feelings I have never had. Feelings I thought would be ‘water under the bridge’ by now. Instead these feelings are part of a huge brick wall, built so strongly it may never come down.
I feel torn between being a miserable willing participant of my family… or a happy yet awful person who is distant and cold. “just love them…just love them…blah, blah, blah” I’m not thinking that my unconditional love applies to anyone but my husband and children right now.

Church… I can’t even describe the pain associated with these feelings. After dealing with many issues, I try to get past things…move on. I throw my heart and soul into a calling I feel I belong in. As soon as I get comfortable, and think I’m good again… I find that some people aren’t exactly on my team.
I’m not sure why I’m surprised. It’s like family and neighbors… you never really know who’s being real. It’s amazing the things you find out when someone doesn’t think your behind them! I wish I hadn’t heard.

Work… let’s see… not getting paid for hours and hours of hard work. Unanswered phone calls. I love what I do, but not enough to do it for free!
Having an idea, (now six years in the making) and working hard to make something happen, only to have all the doors shut in your face, obstacle put in your way, people quit, and month after month of negative monthly income. Compiling a profit and loss report… wait… what’s a profit?

Neighborhood… it shouldn’t be hard. I try too hard. Waaaaaay too hard! The problem is, if I stop trying… I can’t complain that we don’t have friends. Is it a bad sign when you pull in the driveway and the neighbor runs into her house, afraid you might want to talk to her? Can’t blame her… the last time we talked, I chatted for almost an hour, oops! I was just trying… trying too hard that is! For some reason, I picture in my mind… a street where all the kids are out playing together, the Moms are gathered on the porch… discussing recipies and sharing funny stories about their kids, while the Dad’s stand in the driveway… talking about cars and complaining about work and their bosses. You know, just a typical PERFECT neighborhood, is that asking too much?

Friends… well, since I’m really struggling in all of the areas above… I can say I don’t have any friends to complain about! No, I have some friends. People I should spend all my time with, people I love being around, and would probably love being around me… but I don’t have time for them, because I’m spending all my time being miserable about the people who shouldn’t matter. I spend my energy trying to create or mend toxic relationships.
I’m afraid of trying too hard, afraid of what I’ll say or not say. I know that I’m perceived as outspoken… but when I stop speaking, I’m afraid to find out where I stand. I’m afraid that the people I think are friends, really aren’t. The people I think I can trust, hang me out to dry. So I just keep been outspoken… only I’m tired, and running out of things to say. At 30 years-old, you would think that I could have figured out the whole ‘social’ thing, how to be comfortable around others and secure with myself? Ha!

Can I start over? Could I just take each category and rewind? If I could, I would go back to the place where things started to go wrong. I wouldn’t try so hard with the neighbors. I wouldn’t work on things I knew wouldn’t be rewarding. I would learn to keep my mouth shut at church, and not be offended. I would keep my friends close, and my enemies closer. I never knew quite what that meant, but now I’m learning. I’m learning that some of the people who keep me close… may not be my friends. They might keep me close for other reasons! I would not share so much with my family, not say the things I think, or listen to what others think. I would keep a better distance, I would… well, if I went back far enough I could just not be born into my family!

I’m going to make a plan… a checklist of things I am going to remember. So when I get in a situation, I will actually have a list of do’s and don’ts. I need goals, something to achieve in each area. There has got to be a balance. I can handle one or even two of these areas at a time, but I can’t struggle with them all at once like this!
This is the spew before I gather everything up again. Hopefully finding ways to become smarter, and avoiding many of the pitfalls I currently find myself in. It seems that from the age of 20 to 30 I just made babies. I learned a lot in some areas, and made a mess in other areas. I love my kids, and my 20’s were very rewarding in many ways. I got older, but I’m not sure I grew up.
So, now I make my list, (a trait I inherited from my Grandma) a reminder of what‘s important. What I should let go of, and what I should try and change. My list will include the issues I have in each area, and how I plan to remedy things, and avoid them in the future. My goal will be to figure out a way to survive the next few weeks… or months. And my long term goal will be to have the next 30 years be a bit easier than the past 30 years.