My last post sounds so depressing and negative... WOW!
Here's the deal...
I have somehow become 'crazy-like' sensitive. I guess that 'somehow' is not totally true. I think I know exactly how it happened! I've been seriously jaded over the past year. I think it's made me cynical and ridiculously negative.
I love to put up the front that I don't care what people think, how I wish it were true. I can say that there are people I DON'T care what they think... but then there are people which I deeply care. It's that whole acceptance thing. The stupid "does he/she like me?" crap.
It seems to be mainly church related. I work with wonderful women, amazing examples of devotion and sacrifice. I have met the most amazing women, who are incredible mothers and wives.
I try my best not to feel inadequate... something I've always really struggled with. I want to be accepted, viewed as valuable. I want to contribute and as stupid as it sounds... I want people to know that I do contribute... I'm really not a bad person and I'm really trying.
It feels like such High School drama to worry about things:
is she mad at me?
does she not like me?
am I important enough?
am I cool enough?
... I mean HONESTLY! How old am I? What am I out to prove, and to whom?
If I hear some gossip about myself, it hurts... big time. But how does adding to it, or gossiping about 'that' person help the situation? It doesn't! If I hear whispers and walk up on someone talking about me?... I should just walk away. What good is it to listen to it? I need to let the chips fall where they may... and things will work out better in the end.
A good friend mentioned to me that sometimes we compete with one another and don't realize it. So true! I'm out to prove my worth... why? Who cares? It seems as if certain people send me into "keep up" mode. I get afraid that I'll be pushed out, disregarded, left out, and left behind. This person makes me feel small, stupid, and insignificant. I'm sure a lot of it is my insecurities. Since having problems with people in the church, I can't help but worry that everyone thinks the worst of me.
I feel like I can get along with most people. For some reason, the one thing I can't handle is when people take credit for others hard work and ideas. Especially if that person is a bit lazy, therefore causing others around them more work. There's an 'alpha dog' analogy that describes this type of person pretty well. They seem to want to let everyone know that they are the leader, and do anything they can to cement that role.
It is really hard for me to let someone take credit for my schtuff. (yes, that's how it's pronounced) Not that I need all the credit... the last thing I want is to have everything I do noticed and celebrated! I guess I just don't want the credit given to someone else.
The more I think about it, I'm wondering if the clashing I have with this personality might because it is MY personality! Crap!
In making a list of things I need to evaluate and change... I can see some serious problems.
I can see how I get in the situations I do, and why I have some of the social issues I do. My fear is that I won't be able to change.
I would never want anyone to feel these feeling towards me. I would never want to patronize someone or belittle them. I know I have a strong personality... but I don't want to completely 'take over' every situation I'm in.
I know that I love to be in charge... I can't deny that! I'd like to think that I have the need to be in charge of myself, and not be in charge of others. Does that make any sense?
I had a family member describe me as 'loud and obnoxious'... can't deny that either! I like attention. I like to think I'm funny, and I feel the need to 'lighten' the mood if I'm ever in an uncomfortable situation. I don't want to be a control freak though.
Having an anonymous blog is hard for me. It contradicts what I believe, and I never thought I would do such a thing... I mean what's the point right? right!
I guess it's very therapeutic for me to write, and I don't want to stop. The thing is... I need to learn that I don't need to express my opinions to anyone and everyone! I think somehow I feel it validates my opinions.
I recently heard a fantastic song on a blog I love to read...'freckles' by Natasha Bedingfield. I LOVE it! I just wish it were easier to actually live that way.
An item on my list is to not give my opinion unless it is asked. If someone else brings up the topic and wants to discuss it with me... then it serves them right! But there's no needed bringing up stuff that bothers me. It doesn't make for good conversation.
Another item (this sounds cynical) but I have to separate my relationships with people Unfortunately not everyone is looking out for your best interest. And sadly, not everyone can be trusted. I need to be better with what I share and how much I open up to people. Not everyone needs to near me vent. And I need to vent it to a friend, (someone who won't pass it along) and move on. There's no need to dwell on it, or keep talking about it over and over.
I'm afraid I will blabber on and on about my list for the next while. It will make for some long and boring posts. sorry.
2 comments:
Oh I love you! I struggle big time with all this too! I wish I had some great advice for you, but I need that same advice!
The only thing I've found that seems to combat these feelings is gratitude (expressed to myself, to others, to God, in a notebook wherever, but always looking for something to be grateful for.)
Another thing that I think would work (This is all in theory based on observing wonderfully happy people in a previous ward) is service. There was no competing in this ward because everyone was SO focused on how they could serve someone, instead of judging someone. It was so amazing to be a part of that ward for a while.)is service.
The only hurdle I have is I'm always doubting my ability to offer service. I always think that what I have to offer isn't good enough. I feel like if I can get over those doubts, and just pray to know who to serve, I will feel happier with myself, and help someone who does need some love, support, friendship, or service.
I think that the humility that comes with both gratitude and service effectively diffuses any trace of the pride that leads to judging, competing, and backbiting. With the humility that comes with those things, there is only room for love. For ourselves, for our neighbors, for our families, etc.
So, um, that was really great advice that I have no idea where it came from... But I think I ought to take it! Hahaha! Sorry for the novel, and I really do love you and admire you. A Lot.
That song is the unofficial theme song of our family. We all know all the words. We loved the song initially because Paisley's face is covered in freckles but I think my girls have caught on to the real meaning of the song. I hope it will help them to love themselves for who they are.
I hope you start feeling better. I get a kick out of reading your blog. It makes me feel better.
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