Thursday, October 8, 2009

Know a good Mechanic?

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
-Anais Nin

This time of year is always hard for me. Aside from the changing season is another underlying problem. I'm not even sure what it really is or where it came from. I know this post will get a little dark, but writing is a good outlet for me. Battling bipolar disorder is not an easy fight to win. It may be disturbing to people, but voices and demons like to live in my head... it's just the way my brain works. The only way to try and explain it is that my brain likes to run at a very high speed. When it's firing on all pistols, there's not room for the bad things. But when my mind slows down... things creep in. As if I somehow picked up unwanted passengers in my backseat. I just have to find a stopping place to drop them off.

Depression is a funny battle. I think that often times I look for a reason of why I might be depressed... and there just isn't one. My cycles aren't super manic anymore... but they go something like this...

First I find myself being less productive. I socially distance myself from people. I start to become more negative and cynical about life. I then find myself being bothered easier, little things drive me crazy... and I don't have the patience to deal with certain things... or certain people who require more maintenance. Internally I start a battle... but outwardly I'm just sluggish. Pretty soon realize that I'm extra tired, and I have a harder time getting out of bed in the morning.

So this is my 'rut'. The funny thing is that sometimes I can get myself out of it pretty quickly, and other times... I can't. Sometimes I can trace it back to an event or experience, and sometimes... I can't. Sometimes I can explain it all, and sometimes... I can't.

It's frustrating because I feel like I really don't have any reason to be depressed. There isn't anything going on in my life to get me down. My kids are doing well, my husband has a job, we can pay the bills, nobody is ill... life is good. I know people who have every right to be depressed, and yet they are positive and moving forward. It feels as if my 'pedal's to the metal' but I can't seem to get over 25 miles per hour.

My level of functioning goes way down. I can only handle one or maybe two things at a time, instead of the normal ten or more things Mom's juggle at once. I've slowly been letting go of things. My housework... making dinner... working (only once a week)... blogging... and many more little things.

I used to get so bad I would let go of showering and eating. Then the car completely stops. Those days don't happen anymore! I can usually recognize the slowing and push myself to 'pick up the pace'! Like a Flintstones car... even if I'm push with my feet... I've got to keep moving! Thanks to modern technology, and fantastic doctors, my 'rut' doesn't get too scary. When things get darker, I'll look back and remember when life used to get really, really dark. Then I don't feel too bad.

But the issue remains... how do I get out?

There are many things I do to try and push myself. I'll exersice...or make myself a daily schedule to organize my life. I'll start a new project. Clean my house. Cook or bake something. Re-arrange all my furniture. Read the scriptures or Ensign articles. Spend too much money on new shoes or something in my house to look at. (Spending money is a type of drug... but that's a whole other issue!) I've tried all of these... and nothing has given my the 'jump start' I need.

Ironically... I ran out of gas yesterday... literally, I ran out of gas in my car. I'm in charge of driving the carpool this week and I couldn't get the kids to school. Sadly, it made me think about being smarter about keeping my tank full. And mentally trying to keep my tank full.

Today is a good day. I love to see the sunshine and even if the air is cold... the sun is shining. I would love to say that today I will conquer the world and get a lot done. But I'll take it one hour at a time...

...try and stay off the couch and away from my warm cozy bed...
...drink some serious caffeine and remember my medications...
...keep my mind on the thinks I am grateful for... at my children...

...and I'll do better than I did yesterday.


Stacy said...

Here's my mechanics number...1-800-Haagen Dazs!
I hope you know how much I adore and admire you. I am so grateful for your honesty. For your witty, fun sense of humor. For you!
Glad to have found you again. You have no idea how much you help me. Love you!

Tenise said...

You just did a pretty good job of describing the way my brain works, and the cycles it goes through! I love you!