Under a Magnifying Glass

This past weekend was more memorable than I anticipated. Really...this entire week has been burned into my brain.
I had to move my writings to an anonymous outlet, due to some... different circumstances. I am still trying to make sense of everything that has happened of the last few days. I usually don't write about such things until I feel they have come to some sort of conclusion. I'm realizing that there my be no conclusion to feelings or things happening right now, so I will try to write my way through it all. I have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I guess I'm starting to adjust.
*****
Sunday night was my 'Kick-off' fireside for camp. I made a slideshow presentation to showcase last year. I also had to give a talk.
I am a person who can talk, anyone who knows me has witnessed that I am never short on words. However... standing up, dressing-up, in front of a lot of people I don't know, expected to talk in a serious manner... that is something I can't do. I have been able to slip 'under the radar' and avoid speaking in church for the past eight years.
For some reason, eight years ago, I was in a different place mentally and spiritually than I am now. The dynamics of my ward were very different. Everyone was poor, we relied on each other, we relied on the Lord. We were young families, students. For some reason I felt much more 'at home' there, and speaking in church was not as intimidating. I didn't fear judgment or criticism for what I might say or do.
Anyways, Mr. Smith and I spoke in that ward eight years ago. Since then, I have not been asked to speak, Mr. Smith has, but I have not. I love teaching Primary, or Young Women, but trying to talk 'seriously' to adults is not in my comfort zone. I don't do serious. I never have.
In preparing my talk, I struggled a bit, having dealt with a week of pain and disappointment and trying to move forward. I knew I didn't stand well with certain individuals, and I knew I would receive some backlash.
What 's so interesting is... while the people around me were reprimanded, and were spoken to about me... nobody has spoken to me or reprimanded me. I am in the dark. I wasn't sure how many of the people around me would be given information and advise regarding me and my opinions, but it has affected more people than I ever imagined... up to the highest level possible, and I feared it threatened my opportunity to attend Girls Camp. Many, many things have been said and are still being said ABOUT me, but no one has felt the need to talk TO me. In fact, I still may not have the opportunity to attend Camp this year.

Anyways...I picked up my neighbor to bring her to the fireside. She is inactive, and she and her sister came to camp last year. She is planning on coming this year too, but nobody is helping her feel included. I really wish someone involved with Camp would 'step up' to include everyone possible, and express the desire we have for everyone to attend camp. This is very important to me, and I get frustrated with people who don't place that needed importance on the girls who will not receive the teaching of the gospel otherwise.
So I had permission from her parents to bring this Young Women to the fireside. I tried to find her a place to sit with someone, because I had to sit on the stand.

My talk went alright...alright. I don't remember much, it was as if the words came out without me trying. Towards to end, I began bearing my testimony, as I start to cry... I shut down. I don't cry often (except lately, so I may not be able to claim that soon) and feelings were fresh. When I began to cry, all I remember thinking was that I had to sit down, and fast! I looked down and finished the last sentence I saw.

I sat down and took, what felt like, the first breath I had in a really long time. As I felt the blood come back to my limbs, face and brain, felt moisture return to my lips, mouth and throat..I thought "how did I end my talk?" I don't remember what I said before I sat down. I just remember thinking I needed to sit...pronto.

I leaned over to the camp director and said "Did I say 'amen' or 'in the name of Jesus Christ'?" She smiled, put her hand on my leg and said "no, you didn't...but that okay"
WHAT!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

So, I felt rather sheepish. The slide show was good...so at least I thought my feelings were expressed well through that. (not that anyone had a clue I put it together) Afterward, we were having refreshments. I knew I had to take the girl I brought home, but I didn't see her anywhere. I walk around, and couldn't find her. I was having a meeting following refreshments, so I thought I could run her home quickly and come right back.
I finally called Mr. Smith. I asked him to call her house and make she got home. I figured one of 'the Jones' took her home with them. Mr. Smith called back to tell me she had not made it home, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones hadn't seen their daughter either. They were missing!
Here I had taken some elses child, and lost her. I looked through the building, then told my committee that I would be late to our meeting, but I'd be right back.
I drove up and down the streets, searched the city park, and circled other churches. Mr. Jones was looking as well, and I eventually had to tell the girls father. Her father doesn't want anything to do with the church. I have tried my hardest to make sure this girl (and her sister) have felt included and welcome, regardless of their parents situation.
So I had taken his daughter, and lost her. He got in his car and started looking for her as well. I stopped by all the friends and leaders houses I could think of.
Mr. Jones then called, they had finally found both daughters.
While I was relieved, I was nervous that her Dad would not allow her to go to any more church activities...or camp! My emotions were high, and given how long the day had been...I was close to my breaking point. I apologized over and over...I hugged the girls and told them I loved them.
I knew I had to run back to my meeting, which was probably almost over. I found all the doors locked, I knocked for about 5 minutes, and even tried some windows. I sat in my car for another 20 minutes hoping to catch someone on their way out. No luck!
As I drove home... it all hit me at once. I was in tears! I came inside and went straight to my bed.
*****
The next morning I found out that my calling had 'for sure' been jeopardized... but the Director didn't want to tell me before I had to speak.
I never intended to hurt anyone, but I am disappointed at the lengths some people are going to. I tried to share my frustrations and challenges in my life...I was not trying to publicly attack any specific person. I have damaged friendships, and I have learned (which I already knew) that some people can pretend to be your friend, and pretend to care for you... while secretly having very strong, negative feelings towards you.
Up until this week, I knew that some people didn't like me and the things I have been expressing publicly. I do feel that I have been misunderstood, and I don't follow the 'just pretend everyone is perfect' act. What I wasn't aware of, was the lengths someone would take to try and stop me from expressing myself.
Things have been communicated all around me, about me, but no one has yet to talk to me. Things have been passed from person to person. I'm not sure what has even been passed. A few sentences of what I've written? A rumor from someone? My struggles in my ward? My struggles with a certain person? Does anyone know the full story? no. If judgments are made and assumptions acted upon, I would expect that I would be made aware of things. If it weren't for a couple friends warning me, I wouldn't even know all this is going on behind my back. All I've even been told is that I was going to be talked to "about my blog". That's why I chose to shut the entire thing down...I'm not even sure of the things that got me in trouble. Everyone involved acts oblivious, and smiles, casually engaging in superficial conversations. I am at a loss.
I may not go to camp... I may get to stay in my calling. All I can do is pray that the spirit can touch the right people's hearts. I can pray that I will be spoken to about it. I can pray for the wisdom to know if I should just confront people to defend myself. I'm not sure 'at this point' what is best.
The Camp director was very kind. She expressed that she knows I "need to be at camp" she said that others feel very strongly about it as well. She said that she believes I am very good for the girls and she knows that I love them so much. She went on the say that she believes that "Satan recognizes your value, and is trying his hardest to keep you from sharing your testimony and influencing these girls."
As much as I try...I'm not sure I can believe that right now. I'm not sure what the plan is for me. I do know that I have expressed opinions I probably should have kept to myself. I also know that in the future, I will do my best to sensor what I say and do. I've never denied the gospel, and I've tried to share my testimony. I think my faith grows stronger with my struggles. I only express my challenges to try and make sense of what I need to learn, and how I can grow.
All I can so now is wait. I realize I am under a magnifying glass... all my flaws and imperfections blown up. It doesn't take anything special to see things wrong with me... I don't hide much. I just hope it doesn't last too long. Like anything under a magnifying glass... it's gets really hot and uncomfortable!...and I'm afraid it might kill me if I'm under it too long.