Fallen off...

I can officially say that I’ve fallen off my “weight loss” wagon. I hit a plateau back in Feb, and as June approaches… I’m starting to get frustrated. Okay, I am absolutely frustrated and there are levels of my frustration...and I’ve hit the bottom! ‘Frustrated’ just sounds better.
I already did the “I’m frustrated… but I know I can do it!” (Feb)
Then the “I’m frustrated, and I think I’ll try something new” (March)
To the “I’m frustrated… nothing seems to be working” (April)
And I’m afraid I’m at the “I’m frustrated… on the edge of giving up” (May)
If I can’t pull it together… June will not be pretty!

I know that going on a vacation makes it 10 times harder. The first couple days of my trip I felt good, like I was in control. By the last day I found myself eating anything I possibly could, because I knew when I got home, I would have to get back on track.
So when I got on the scale after I came home, I knew I would not be happy. Let’s just say… I WAS SHOCKED! I expected a few pounds. I feel like I work so hard for every single ounce, and a few pounds would be hard. Well… I gained 12 pounds! That’s right… 12 pounds in 10 days. Who does that?! Especially after working SO DANG HARD and losing 75 pounds!
I can say that on one hand I know I deserve it… I made a decision every time I put something in my mouth. On the other hand, I get so mad that my body holds on to weight like that! It’s not fair, I ate things that were unhealthy. I also swam, walked, hiked, and was quite busy. Why is it so hard for me?!

I was already having a hard time with my last 15 pounds. Trying anything to kick it up a notch… but I’m ready to throw in the towel. I know it’s worth it, I know I want it. I just don’t know if I can do it!
I lost the first good bit of weight without exercising. In fact, I found that exercising had adverse affects on my body. When I stopped exercising and just focused on my eating, the weight started coming off. Well, 40 pounds later, I hit a wall. I knew that exercising would give me the boost I needed to keep losing. Ten pounds later, I’ve not just hit the wall… I’m banging my head against it over and over and over and over…

I ran a 5k earlier this month… nothing...not a pound. I was dehydrated the next morning, but as soon as I had a full days worth of water, I broke even. I feel a bit vain complaining about the last 15 pounds (well, now the last 27 pounds…argh!) I know that last summer I would have died to be where I am now. I just feel like I’ve worked so hard, and come so close, I need to get there. It’s like running a race and stopping short. I can see the finish line… I just can’t seem to get there.

I need to recommit! I need to somehow get back the passion and desire. I’ve got to push through this. Even with the 12 pound set-back… I’ve just got to find a way to get back!

I think I’ll pay a visit to myself. I think I need to remember how it felt last summer, to have 50 more pounds to carry around. Or the 75 pounds I had to carry three years ago! I need to remember how I got here, WHY I got here. I can’t take it for granted, I have to love myself more than that.

I know it’s sad… and I’m not blaming anyone else but myself… however, I know that the stress and emotional turmoil over the past few months has played a role. It’s why I didn’t have the strength to lose it before, and the reason I gained it in the first place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out. If I’ll ever find that balance. I need to learn how to take the bumps in the road without having to pull over and stop the car... or the wagon! I hit a bump and pull over my wagon... then I jump out of the wagon and start running in back to where I came from. WHY?! I’ve got to get back in that stinkin' wagon and get back on that stinkin’ road!